Why I am Not the Goddess of Wisdom

I was a child prodigy. There's no denying it. When I was ten years old, I could do two digit long division in my head and come up with the right answer. Ask my father about it. I was even considered to be in a special school program where kids with high IQ could really be challenged. I think it was my story about the lost dog that fudged up my application.

I loved everything about school in the beginning. I liked my teachers, classmates, friends, lessons, everything. When I went to the library, I always took out two books: one fiction, usually a Baby-Sitters Club, and one about animals, geography, or natural disasters. I walked around telling everyone that I was going to be a scientist when I grew up. And a figure skater on the side. I absorbed new knowledge like Britney Spears absorbs fried chicken.

But then in Grade Four, the Bad Stuff happened. That year was the first year I had a mean teacher. She would pick on everything that anyone did wrong, whether it was manners, writing, or grammar problems. She insisted that I sit in the back of the class due to my height, despite my repeated protests that my vision was blurry (I didn't know it then, but that was the beginning of me needing glasses) It was the first time that I didn't want to go to school because I didn't want to learn anything from a teacher.

Then we moved into a house and I had to switch schools in the middle of the year. The teacher I had in the new school was a lot sweeter, but my classmates were hellish. I went from a school where we played House and Tag to one where girls traded make-up tips and tried to have their first kisses at the age of eleven. I was an outcast; unpopular because my parents didn't see the need to buy me anything with the Nike swoosh on it. I started blaming school for my problems. It was because I had to go there and face the ridicule of my peers that I hated it. It didn't help that I was also teased for my love of reading.

Luckily, in Grade Six, I switched schools once again, this time finding friends that had the same interests as me and also having amazing teachers that re-instated my love of learning. But the damage was done and I would no longer be one of the smartest kids in my class nor would I fiercely love books as much until mid-high school.

To this day, I haven't fully recovered. I was clever enough to get through high school with minimal damage; my teachers kept saying that they could see the potential I had, but I was just too damn lazy to let it out. But I knew the truth: I had simply burned out when it came to school.

And this truth proved itself in university. I couldn't keep up with the other students. I was smart enough to get accepted, but not enough to not fail at least one class per semester. This year, I had enough of university that I decided to pursue my dreams in another way: by dropping out of uni and taking up a baker's apprenticeship.

Ask me about current events and I'll show you how ignorant I am. Beg me to give you advice and mid-way through, you'll realize I have no idea what I'm blabbering about. Goddess of Wisdom? Nope, sorry, you're in the wrong temple.

How I Became a Goddess

Most of people's biggest problems stem from a lack of self-something. It could be either self-esteem, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard, self-actualization, self-image or another self-thing that I can't really think of. Basically, people are scared of themselves doing, saying, thinking, wearing, eating, reading, or disco-ing of the wrong thing at the wrong time. And while having a filter of some sort isn't anything of a bad thing, it stops interesting people from being, well, interesting.

This is where I come in. My self-something levels are so small, scientists have yet to invented a microscope to see them. I needed something to give me a boost. And, as ashamed as I am to admit this, the idea to become a Goddess came to me while I was watching an episode of Bleach.

One of the characters of the show was called the Goddess of Flash, due to her incredible speed. I sat there thinking about how amazing it would be to be called a goddess. The allure, the recognition, the power... I decided then and there to sign up to be a Goddess.*

I journey far and wide to find the Deciding Council for Gods and Goddesses. I let the receptionist know that I was interested in becoming a Goddess, so she gave me a form to fill out and asked me to sit in a chair and wait until my name was called.

After filling out the form as accurately as possible, I waited for about ten minutes when the receptionist called out to me and lead me into the Council Chamber. Inside, there was a long table at which sat about fifteen elder men and women, waiting with their arms crossed on the table. There was a chair in front of the table, where one of them motioned for me to sit.

"So," the elder man in the middle boomed while peering at my application. "you have summoned us so that we may consider you to join the ranks of Goddesshood. There are certain qualities that can make a normal mortal into a God. How you any special powers?"

"No."

"Defeated any strong beasts or demons?"

"No."

"Accomplished the impossible?"

"No."

"Do you have any particular outstanding quality that we should know about?"

"Let me think.... I'm a great procrastinator?"

"That won't work."

"Oh. Sorry, then I've got nothing."

"So is there anything that would make us turn our heads and say 'We need a Goddess for that?'"

"I'm.. afraid not."

They all turned toward each other to talk as a sinking feeling fell upon me. Why was I here? I had nothing to give. I was considering trying to sneak out when they turned back towards me.

"We have come to a decision," the elder middle man boomed again. I held my breath. "We actually may have a position open for you."

Wait... what?

"We have an opening for the title of the Goodess of N/A. We have been looking for quite some time for a person with no other talents, abilities, or accomplishments to qualify for this title. But here's the catch: you will be as you are now. No special powers, holidays, or rituals in your name. You will live as you do now and no one will even know of your existence, unless you choose to reveal it to them. Basically, you are as special as your title allows."

I sat there for a moment, soaking it in. All of it suited me perfectly. I was nothing special, but had a title celebrating it.

"Okay," I said. "I'll do it. But under one condition: I get a smal temple."

"No can do."

"Okay, fine, I want a yearly parade in my name."

"That's not feasible either."

"A weird dance ritual?"

"Nope."

"What about an animal companion?"

He paused at this one. "Hmm.. maybe... hey George, didn't your dog have puppies a while back?"

"Sure did."

He turned back towards me. "Fine, one of those puppies will be your animal companion."

"Then you have yourselves a Goddess." We shook hands, signed some papers, and with a puppy called Roxy under my arm, went back home.

And that is the story of my humble beginnings.

*the following events may or may not have happened.